Tuesday, 30 March 2010

Agent Orange: De Copa El Tuto

A long time ago, back when the J-League was still in its formative years and Gon Nakayama didn't have to wear adult diapers under his uniform, a man came from Brazil who would change the course of soccer history as we know it. A man armed only with a perma-frosted blond mullet, an ample belly, an ego the size of Diego Maradona after a 24-hour cocaine and burrito binge and a magical way with the ladies. He goes by one name and one name alone. He is Tuto - and no one has given him his due.

Tuto came to the shores of Japan in 1998 to help out the newly J-League-ized Kawasaki Frontale kickstart their professional campaign. Two years and 27 goals later, he left for the other side of the Tamagawa and FC Tokyo, where he would team up with Amaral to lead the squad to mediocrity. After that he would then venture to Urawa Reds and help them get back on track to being the most annoying team in J1. Down for a short stint at Shimizu S-Pulse and then onto Omiya Ardija, from where tales of Tuto have been told far and wide.

Then... nothing. Banished, cast out of Japan and sent back to his home, just another overweight, one-named scoring machine in a land of thousands. But in 2008, in a shock to all concerned, Tuto returned to wear the shockingly bad lime green and blue uniforms of Shonan Bellmare. He came on with a flurry, scoring five goals in his first seven games. Then a coaching change and he was gone from our lives... again. However, he should never, ever be forgotten! That's why GGOA has started the De Copa El Tuto, which loosely translated means the the chalice of a perma-frosted, overweight, egocentric, chickmagnet soccer god.

First, the rules of DCET:

1. Only J-League teams who had Tuto on their books can participate in DCET. If a team chooses to sign him, then they would be eligible for DCET, if...

2. ... all the teams who had Tuto under contract are participating in the same league (either J1 or J2, or the Kanto League Division Two, I suppose). It's like that cartoon with the lion robots that form together to make a really big robot who fights monsters: you need all the lions to make the robot. I think that concept originated with Confucius.

3. Points are awarded in reverse order: three points for a loss, two points for a home tie, one point for a road tie, no points for a win and fifteen points for a win in which you were up two men for more than one half of the match, put up 32 shots and only managed to score twice.

4. Emperor's Cup games, practice matches and Nabisco Cup games don't count. However, if two teams manage to meet up in the Nabisco Cup final, I will award eleven points to the winner and 150 to the loser, provided that the loser is Kawasaki Frontale.

The results so far:

Urawa beat FC Tokyo 1-0
S-Pulse and Kawasaki tied 0-0
FC Tokyo beat Omiya 2-0 while having a two-man advantage for more than one half of the match, putting up 32 shots and only managing to score twice

DCET standings at this point:

1. FC Tokyo 18 (+1)
2. Omiya 3 (-2)
3. Kawasaki 2 (-)
4. S-Pulse 1 (-)
5. Shonan -
6. Urawa 0 (+1)

The next DCET game is a matchup of Tamagawa rivals, as FC Tokyo hopes to expand its lead (well, I hope they expand their lead) over the rest of the field when they take on Frontale. Shonan makes their long-awaited debut with a match at Saitama Stadium against Urawa, who lags behind in the standings after a referee-assisted win against FC Tokyo. Omiya and S-Pulse aren't involved in the merry shenanigans again until the 21st of next month.

Ten Reasons To Hate... The Nabisco Cup

The annual time-waste that is the Nabisco Cup starts up again tomorrow. I think it's a useless competition put out there to take money away from fans.

1. I think it's a useless competition put out there to take money away from fans.

2. They never give away Oreos at the game.

3. Four teams automatically advance to the knockout stages without ever kicking a ball in anger. Why not have the defending league champ and Emperor's Cup holder go through and have the other two play a one-off with the third-place squads? I don't have a problem with Gamba Osaka and Kashima Antlers getting a pass, because they actually won something. The other two... not so much.

4. I have no doubt in my mind that the best new player will be some twat from Urawa. Or will be a twat who someday plays for Urawa.

5. Crowds of 3 to 4000. Wow, feel the electricity!

6. Extra games against Nagoya Grampus and FC Tokyo... because the league games are just not enough enjoyment for me.

7. Vegalta Sendai is another game on our schedule. Let's see how we get screwed in that one.

8. The Best Member clause. Seriously, this has gotta be the biggest bone of contention I have with this joke of a tournament. Long story short, the teams should be able to field whoever they want. If they choose to field a team consisting of Yusuke Murayama plus ten ADHD kids high on Pocky and Pocari Sweat, who is the J-League to step in and say no? Instead, we get a team of our best in a glorified scrimmage going half-speed and looking over their shoulder so they don't get hurt. That's excitement! Amazing J!

9. Half the games are on Wednesday nights. That's when I like to watch my stories on the TV.

10. Players who get red cards in these games get suspended for J-League matches and vice versa. Seriously, how would you feel if you had a player get red-carded in a meaningless game and forced to sit out a far more important league match? Or let's reverse that, how would you feel if two of your most important players were unfairly red-carded in a game versus mouth-breathing douchebags and they were forced to sit out a midweek game that meant absolutely nothing and were eligible to play in the league games... wait, scratch what I just said... I love the Nabisco Cup! Pass the Chipstar!

What To Expect When You're Expecting... Nothing

So, there's a game in Kyoto tomorrow and I was kind of hoping to go, if only to make fun of Yosuke Kataoka. That being said, there's no way to tell who is going to play in the game, now we know that Rafael, Mato Neretljak and An Yong Hak are all out and I'm pretty sure Chikara Fujimoto is a no-go. The way Naotake Hanyu took out Naoki Ishihara and the fact that he and not Masahiko Ichikawa was taken off at halftime leads me to believe that he might not play. Usually, the back-up keeper gets the start in these games so I'm guessing Takashi Kitano doesn't go in this one. Kazuhiro Murakami is coming off a knock, so he might not be in as well.

Here is my predicted lineup (I'm guessing 4-1-4-1):

GK Ezumi
DF Sugiyama
DF Fukuda
DF Fukaya
DF Tsubouchi
DMF Kanazawa
MF Uchida
MF Aoki
MF Hashimoto
MF Kanakubo
FW Ichikawa


GK Tada
DF Tokita
MF Arai
MF Kihara
FW Watabe
FW Fujita
FW Seo / Dudu

Jang Wae Ryong might leave two or three spots open on the bench, I don't know.


Who am I to judge? He does kind of look like like Tuto with liposuction.

Orange! Happy that the J-League told Nobutsugu Murakami what they thought in a really ambiguous half-hearted way!! Football!!!



  © Blogger templates Newspaper III by Ourblogtemplates.com 2008

Back to TOP