Saturday, 16 July 2011

Agent Orange: Lindsay Lohan

When your team is bad, it causes you to do some soul searching. Am I wasting my time? Should I find someone else to support? These are questions that, for me as an Ardija fan, have been recurrent over the past seven years. When your team is distressingly bad, it causes you to just get angry and come up with bold and utterly stupid proclamations that I am not going to share with you (unless you happen to sit near me at a game... the Tourettes kicks in and all bets are off).

However, when your team is on the verge of doing something historically bad, it takes you to a very dark and disturbing place (no, not Chofu) in which you question your sanity and really your whole existence. I went to that place and came up with some... how do I put this technically... some fucked-up realizations. We are Lindsay Lohan! If you don't know who Lindsay Lohan is, she is a spunky former child star whose life has spun off the rails. Over the past five or six years, her life has been documented in tabloids all over England and the USA. And she is just like Omiya! Watch me blow your mind:

1998 This was the year that Omiya debuted as a professional club prior to the inaugural year of J2. Before that, they appeared as NTT Kanto in the old JSL set-up. That same year Lindsay Lohan appeared as a precocious set of twins in the Disney remake of The Parent Trap. Before that, she had done some commercial work and print ad stuff, but really became a name with her movie debut.

2004 This was Lindsay Lohan's best year ever, as she scored critical and box office success with her role in the movie Mean Girls. Omiya would go on a stunning unbeaten streak at the end of 2004 and secure the second promotion spot for J1... their best year ever.

2005 Lohan would appear in the innocuous but entertaining Herbie Fully Loaded. Omiya would appear in the semi-finals of the Emperor's Cup as an unlikely last four participant.

2006 Lohan's best performance ever came as a woman marrying a man whom she didn't know in order to prevent him from being drafted to Vietnam, in the dramatic retelling of the night Robert Kennedy was assassinated. Daigo Kobayashi had the best performance ever for an Omiya player, as he put up nine goals and nine assists and was capped by the Japanese National Team. Like Kennedy, his NT career was assassinated (although I don't think Ivica Osim killed Kennedy... but who knows!)

2007 Lohan gets arrested for drunk driving and cocaine possession. She is sentenced to prison twice, but serves less than two days because of overcrowding. Omiya dances perilously close to relegation after committing the footballing offense of letting Robert Verbeek run the team for half a season.

2009 Lohan is involved in a disastrous romance with DJ Samantha Ronson that ends very badly and very publicly. That same year, Omiya enters into a disastrous relationship of its own, with Jang Wae Ryong. Things would come to a head when supporters and management clashed in heated arguments over the way the team was run and fan favorites Daisuke Tomita, Yasuhiro Hato and Yoshiyuki Kobayashi were forced out.

2010 This would be the low point for both Lohan and Omiya. Omiya's 2010 has been well documented on this site, starting with Taishi Tsukamoto's cancer fight and ending with Seigo Watanabe resigning in disgrace after a scandal involving the inflation of attendance numbers. Lohan would be arrested again and forced to serve time in jail. Even when she tried to do something positive, it would blow up in her face. A documetary she narrated about human trafficking in India was widely panned by the press and criticized by human rights activists in India. Because of her controversy surrounding her Lohan would lose roles, including one as legendary porn star Linda Lovelace.

2011 More trouble for Lohan as she was arrested for shoplifting and forced to serve house arrest. For Omiya fans, home feels like prison as the team has yet to win at NACK 5.

Wait, there's more!

Daddy issues Lohan has had a very strained relationship with her father Michael. The two have traded barbs in the media and released particularly horrible songs about each other. Omiya fans have had tempestuous relationships with technical directors in the past, including Haruo Yuuki and Satoru Sakuma.

Unhealthy fascinations with legends Lohan has been connected with the late icon Marilyn Monroe, duplicating her final photo shoot in a more macabre way. Chikara Fujimoto has tried to duplicate the moves of legendary player Kazu Miura, often at the expense of the team.

Making the same mistakes Omiya technical directors have failed over the past seven years to address the side back situation, often opting to either fill the spot with journeymen or converting young mids who aren't up to the task of playing the position. Lohan has repeatedly failed sobriety tests and relapsed over the past few years.

Good intentions In 2010, Lohan worked with the British Red Cross for the laudable goal of helping Haiti after their devastating earthquake. Omiya has had ongoing efforts to raise money for victims of the Tohoku earthquake in March.

Overexposed and vulnerable to penetration from behind This year has seen Omiya vulnerable to numerous attacks on their back line and embarrassing goals allowed because of mistakes by a very shaky back four. Lohan has posed nude on numerous occasions and has an exhibitionist streak to her... especially after use of drugs... as for penetration from the back... uhhhh.

A very dark place indeed. I really don't want to go tomorrow.



Nerdy 17 July 2011 at 12:28  

Good to see you back on writing form! Quality.

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